Other Funny Quotes
Funny Quotes
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
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I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
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Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
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I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.
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I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
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In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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My favorite animal is steak.
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Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
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I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
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I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
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